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tequila-solar-storm · 3 months ago

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Dragon’s Desire (COLLABORATION WITH @perelka-l)

Art by @perelka-l

PLEASE READ ALL TAGS BEFORE STARTING! ALL TAGS BELOW CUT!

Fandom: Pokémon

Characters: Drayton, Drayden, Kieran

Ship(s): Drayton/Drayden, Drayton/Kieran, Past Drayton/Carmine

Platonic Ship(s): -

Content Warning(s): Incest, Age Difference, Toxic Relationship(s), Mentioned Underage Sex (Depending on where you live. It’s between a 18 and 16 year old)

Rating: Mature

Drayton struggles with his feelings, leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

Desperate, Drayton drudged up the memory of his mother. She always told him the trials in life were there to make him stronger, smarter, and better.

It was a statement he struggled to see the truth in; for what was there to learn from falling in love with that voice?

What was there to learn from falling in love with his own grandfather?

READ HERE ON AO3

Tags

•Art

•Digital Art

•Past Kakitsubata | Drayton/Zeiyu | Carmine

•Incest

•Grandfather/Grandson Incest

•Grandparent/Grandchild Incest

•Age Difference

•Older Man/Younger Man

•Guilt

•Friends With Benefits

•Mentioned Sexual Content

•Unhealthy Relationships

•Unreliable Narrator

•Kakitsubata | Drayton-centric

•Don't Like Don't Read

•Main ship is Drayton/Drayden while Kieran/Drayton is friends with benefits

•Mentioned sexual content applies only to Kieran/DraytonUnderaged tag is for Kieran as he’s 16

•Whole thing is very romanticised

•Because it’s in Drayton’s perspective

•When it’s actually toxic as hell

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seilon · 7 months ago

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please don’t by k.will did more for the gays back in 2012 than any boy group can possibly do with fan service and crop tops in 2024

#do young kpoppies know about please don’t by k.will. im serious do they know #I think about it a lot #it’s impossible to replicate the feeling of being gay and watching that mv in the 2010s and just getting bodyslammed by the ending.#like he really just dropped that shit in TWENTY TWELVE #kibumblabs #to this day I think that’s the most explicitly gay mv ive seen in kpop by an established artist #(ie not holland. no shade to him but he kinda built his platform on being an openly gay artist and he’s not a big industry name or anything #which makes the impact significantly different. if that makes sense. anyway.)#like think about any other example. almost all of them can be brushed off as fan service or are at least vague enough to be #up for interpretation #please don’t’s ending is nearly fucking impossible to write off as anything but explicitly gay #no fanservice involved. no vague staring in each other’s eyes. just straight up Oh He’s Not Jealous Of His Friend He’s Jealous Of His #Friend’s Fiancé. oh #like that’s the whole point. interpreting it any other way doesn’t make sense with the impact it’s purposefully supposed to make #like seriously try to say ‘he’s just sad he’s losing his friend to marriage :(‘ or something. you have to be REAL fucking stupid or #deeply in denial to make that argument let alone believe it #anyway. I appreciate this mv a lot #k.will the OG of doomed yaoi in kpop #kill me #closest contender off the top of my head is one more day by sistar #also note I am talking about mvs here not songs in general #cause if I were talking about songs in general. key’s out there pretty much writing about gay sex at this point so I mean #k.will #kpop #only adding actual tags because I want you to watch this mv if you haven’t already

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sea-jello · 1 year ago

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practice i did a while ago w poses i found on instagram plus the i think memories prompt from morrotober that i didn’t want to do the background of so never finished

#lowkey i’m getting sick of drawing morro my design is so repetitive and boring #please if anyone has any suggestions on what to draw please 🙏🙏 i want to draw but i don’t know what to draw #ft my spidersona that i don’t think i ever posted which is surprising since i was very proud of it #this was also the first time i designed child morro i’m pretty sure #the photographs are the spinjitzu brothers comics if you can’t see it #top 4 are in chronological order so there’s a bit of a difference #you can see the progression on how i just. learned how to draw hands through them #if you know who the last guy is keep quiet #what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament #not very sure how i feel abt jay (second one) tbh #yeah that’s jay #they’re messy idc i’m trying to get rid of the it has to be perfect and fully finished mentality #i haven’t posted anything in so long i’m out of thoughts #ninjago #lego ninjago #morro ninjago #jay ninjago #morrotober 2023 #that’s all i’m doing #jellos scribbles

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dyketennant · 1 month ago

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oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show

#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out #but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated #i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it #where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone #and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show #bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar #but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural #like the writers don’t know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense #and each time it feels like they just ask ‘what’s the most insane thing that can happen next?’#’oh ok he’s gonna chop dave’s dick off’#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane #not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER #only for the best friend in the next scene to be like ‘erm i’m not gay 😐 awkward…’ and she’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN #qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think #they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial #not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and it’s impossible to find #literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague #and yet clearly they’ve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board #(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you #and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like we’re dogs and if we wanna watch it #we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it #and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show that’s been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks #just weird as fuck man. and i don’t even think mark has much to do with it

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loderlied · 7 months ago

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mmm essay about sally and kid gort in the tags (cw for child abuse, mentions of suicide, animal cruelty and a murder attempt. i always hope i don’t have to say this but just in case: i don’t excuse or condone any of her or gort’s behaviour at all.) this is literally not even touching upon everything i have to say because i hit the fucking tag limit lmao. NOBODY READ IT’S BAD BRAINSTORMING I JUST NEEDED TO GET IT OUT SOMEHOW

#thinkin too much about gortie side characters again.#sally this time and why she specifically talks about him the way she does #like dravo is obviously still shitty but to me he was. ‘just ‘neglectful #while sally actively hated and even felt terrorised by her own child #like. it’s not like i don’t understand her at all.#imagine you and your love don’t have much besides each other and your shop and you get pregnant and ready to raise a child #only for it to not be a child he didn’t and doesn’t cry ever and he learns everything so much sooner than most but then he never calls you #his parents and it’s not just a petty thing kids do sometimes you feel that he doesn’t see you as family and the worst part is that you #agree deep down #and as he gets older he doesn’t have any friends and actively rejects the notion of the entire concept #but then as time passes you hear about how he has entire groups of children following him and then several of them commit suicide #and that thing coming to sit with you and dravo at the dinner table says that he did what you did last week when the axe to chop wood broke #and you discarded it and got a new one #and he has these habits of ripping out flowers and making sure that they don’t regrow #and then you hear rumours about a friend’s daughter’s cat disappearing and think nothing of it #until you visit his tree house a month later and find a declawed cat and birds with clipped wings and crushed bugs that he keeps fondly #and then you see him with other children and they don’t know and his face is different and body language is entirely different #and were it not for the fact that you know better you would never see anything but a normal child #and you know that you are one who painstakingly brought this thing that should not be into the world and so you decide to end it all one da #and go to him as he’s asleep with the knife shaking in your hand #but he cries when you’re above him! screams at the top of his lungs!#so you beg for forgiveness even though you don’t deserve it through tears but as soon as the knife is put away you see the act drop and fee #his clever fingers having twisted your brain inside and out and you know that you can do nothing #and so the opportunity arises to at least remove him out of your life if not everyone’s lives and you take it immediately.#but you heard him talk. how he will close his fist around the world one day. and you know that it is not a matter of if but when.#like. imagine that. jesus dude.#like i hc her as someone that is messy and does not know a lot about life and she certainly wouldn’t have been a good mother but the love #or at least desire to love is there somewhere. and believing that having a child is really the only somewhat meaningful thing she can do #with her life. she’s not some hero or rich or anything of note. so there’s a lot obligation and not genuine desire for family here.#but she never really got the chance to be an actual mother in the first place so. who knows what that might have looked like

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edge-oftheworld · 2 months ago

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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.

but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.

and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’

#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know #just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it #like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about #I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways #and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is #sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion #or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why #but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther #and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too #idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked #on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better #healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like #when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster #this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt #I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits #pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with #sometimes I just think of this idk #celebrities are people #5 seconds of summer #5sos #5sos fandom #cw mental health things

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krispyjb · 7 months ago

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Ah fuck I’m thinking about Water 7/Enies Lobby arc again

Whoops I wrote an essay in the tags

#one piece #one piece spoilers #particularly a line that Franky says to Robin that really stuck with me #‘no one is born into this world to be alone’#god just the entire central theme of this arc being that you always have a place in this world #even if it doesn’t seem like it #the entire goddamn rooftop scene #the straw hats finally learn the extent of robin’s trauma and why she feels like she needs to leave them to turn herself in #and in response they DECLARE WAR ON THE WORLD #because Robin is their family #and god help anyone who messes with their family #and as if it wasn’t enough that the arc has that whole beautiful storyline #everything else about it is top notch too!#Usopp’s own arc where he learns to let go of his pride and realizes that he can focus on what he brings to the straw hats #Franky facing his own past and finding his place with the straw hats as their newest member #and the fights with cipher pol giving everyone a chance to shine!#nami and chopper get to actually Do Shit!#Luffy’s entire fight with Rob Lucci #Robin snapping Spandam’s spine after everything he did to her #anyway one piece is ultimately a story about found family and in no arc is that clearer than Enies Lobby #oh and don’t even get me started on everything with the Going Merry!#edit: okay so I misremembered something #it was Saul who told Robin that #but also Franky telling her outright that her existence isn’t a sin #aaaaaaahhhh my heart #I’m not really a frobin shipper (I don’t really ship anything from one piece aside from maybe namivivi)#but like. I think I get it

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diltonsstrangescience · 12 days ago

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#guys I kid you not I spent over 45 minutes trying to figure out what reggie’s pfp would be #I don’t think people on discord usually use actual photos of themselves #but reggie is self-centered and I couldn’t think of anything else he’s interested in besides girls and himself #with jug I had options!#I could have made his pfp a picture of hotdog or paint supplies or the aroace flag or something sci-fi as a refrence to the time police #but reggie… does he even have any hobbies outside of sports? I should know this by now.#archie comics #jughead jones #reggie mantle #discord chat #incorrect quotes #I took that photo myself at an aquarium #i was immediately struck by the resemblance. I have a very one-track mind.#also the time discrepancy between the posts and the top of the screen is not a mistake #one can assume this screenshot was taken several hours after the conversation took place #entirely plausible

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chibishortdeath · 6 months ago

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Hmmm I kinda want to make a side blog for RPG Maker game development related things to be able to talk to more experienced people in that community, but at the same time I both don’t really think I’d get much attention and don’t want to accidentally spoil my own game (^^ ; ).

I have a rough story, concept doodles, a tileset, some character sprites, an enemy that walks around but can’t initiate battle yet (if I even decide to have a battle system), a couple rooms with some events, and a functioning run button, but I’m still lost on how to do much else at the moment. Especially since this program has the ability for scripting, meaning I’ll probably have to learn and actually retain another coding language.

So, I’m not very far at all lol. Idk how well that’d go over on the established fandom website, but eh.

#text post #incoherent rambling #project update #game project #I’m still also debating whether or not I can actually even make a proper horror game too #It’s the rule of like just being a horror fan doesn’t make you good at horror being afraid of something does? ya know?#I am trying to go with things that scare me personally but it’s been difficult #either things aren’t concrete of concepts enough or are wayyyy too oddly specific to make anything about #which is quitter talk I know but how does one translate the childhood heebee jeebees of watching top ten gaming videos past bedtime 💀💀💀#or like the way too broad general fear of lack of control without making it too on the nose or too vague #truly a balancing act writing is #kinda ironically I am also a little bit less afraid of hospitals after having been to one for myself rather than family members #which makes things both more and less difficult???#on one hand I have better references for them now but on the other hand I’m desensitized to it 😔#I think I get used to things a little too easily for a lot of things to stay scary #the thing was a scary movie the first time I saw it and now it’s a comfort film #funger was a very scary game until I first died and reloaded a save with little consequence and now it’s just a spooky but fun rpg #but then at the same time thinking about a movie studio logo before a movie that scared me as a kid cause there was a monster in it #still gives weird left over shivers but actually seeing it doesn’t anymore for some reason #I feel like that’s how it’s worked with most things I’ve ever been afraid of in my life besides concepts like death control or idk drowning #ugh writing is HARD #but actually making a functional and fun to play game is harder oh my god do I not know how to make puzzles #I have made swivel chairs that can be knocked and walked over but that’s about it and idk what to do with that knowledge lmaooooo #and I don’t want the entire gameplay loop to be read text search room get key repeat cause that’s boring #I have also desperately tried making a stamina system but there’s not much help with that online especially not in the rpg maker forums #the no necroposting rule sucks all the threads for questions I have never get answered and never will cause no one is allowed to due to age #anyway idk what to tag this probably won’t get seen since it’s not my usual anyway but eh whatever I’ll think about this #hopefully I remember the passwords to two blogs 💀💀💀

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angelstrawbabie420 · 4 months ago

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hmm i think i am not coping. very well

#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore #i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care #and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that #july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing #i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before #but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it #nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i #truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have #ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting #i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e #even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining #i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds #despite knowing a community of some kind would help #but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not #i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either #i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place #ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you #cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that #it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore #not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted #idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming #dlt ltr

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chirpsythismorning · 2 years ago

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Over halfway done with the ST5 vision playlist and… Just came across the most terrifyingly ST5 coded song and I’m 🫢

Like at first I was like, “okay, nothing really— wait no. that’s interesting… actually?… wait, what??�� WAIT!

#stranger things #byler #st5 vision playlist #this is a playlist I’m making to see if I can maybe predict some of s5s vibe via music possibilities #sacred heart by dio #song came out on 1985 #they have another song called rainbow in the dark which is another interesting one #album covers for both of these are also kinda cool #don’t know anything about this band #i know like top hits from the 60-80’#I’m on song 133 btw…#67 more to go?#my criteria for song choices is the year it came it (pre 1989 bc in don’t think st will go past the 80’s in this universe)#I also look at the lyrics to see if I can find context that matches the shows context #also they have to be somewhat known otherwise the audience wouldn’t be as interested if every song was unheard of #also ideally they’re good #this one isn’t really a bop for me tbh #I just thought lyrically it was painfully parallel to the context of s5’s plot and so I had to share!!#SoundCloud

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fingertipsmp3 · 1 year ago

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2024 affirmation: I will not dislocate my knee

#genuinely will be my thirteenth reason if this happens again and i’m not joking #i don’t think most of the people in my life get it. they don’t get what it’s like for every single step you take to cause you pain #for MONTHS on end. this started in MAY #and they don’t get what it’s like to have pain when you’re just standing up. or to worry that your knee is randomly going to give out on you #and that that’s going to be it this time and you’re going to need a knee replacement #OR; maybe worse; that your Other knee which has never given you a single problem will suddenly decide to give out (maybe due to all the #strain that’s been on it) and you’ll have to walk like a crab until that one heals #or to wonder if you’re just malingering and being too lazy. meanwhile doing all the exercises that your physio recommends you #+ taking a pilates class + buying a walking pad and trying to walk on it 5 days a week #+ going on a diet; cutting down on salt and overly processed food in the hope it’ll give you more energy #so you can exercise more and drop some excess weight so there’s maybe less strain on your knees and ankles #(or at the very least build muscle rather than fat so that the muscles are just better)#not to mention that nobody knows what the fuck is wrong with me. x-ray came back clear apart from ‘fluid on the knee’#which by the way - has never actually gone away? that x-ray happened on the 5th of july. i’d been injured for 6 weeks already by then #i still get this godawful like.. almost Bubble of fluid on the top right of my kneecap whenever i’ve been walking a lot #coming up on five months and i still have swelling. why. i’ve iced it into fucking oblivion #my doctor thought i had a hamstring tear. nope. my physio can’t find anything structurally wrong with me #we fixed the quad lag and my complete lack of ability to straighten the leg #but i still have pain and i still have discomfort and i still limp and i still feel like my kneecap is floating in a fucking soup #at this point i wonder if i have arthritis and nobody has noticed. the knee is crunchy. 🥴#all of it just makes me feel like i’m going insane. i fell and i was like ‘oh i’ll be fine in two weeks’#two weeks later i couldn’t even walk unassisted. like.#what did i doooooooo. why does no one seem to know. why does nothing show up on tests. idgi #personal #rant

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seilon · 3 months ago

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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!

#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account #it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen #she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least #even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of #dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore #because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to #contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help #my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing #anyway I’ve given myself a headache #I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious #not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did #if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate #my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly #I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance #and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late #as possible and it . doesn’t even matter #im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs #vent #like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount #through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore #not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground #I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it #I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating

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binders-and-beanies · 6 months ago

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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated #can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all #tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump #hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much #and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context #it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten #literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch #which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed #literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is #it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night #I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired #and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled #in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout #and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do #it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back #I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them #and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe #and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos #but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications #both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking #and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me #I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it #this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening #just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours #PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends #this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this #personal #mine #vent post

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doqqy · 6 months ago

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i wish i could wear jewellery but unfortunately i am so autistic

#i can wear earrings like 50% of the time. as long as i can sleep on my side and wear headphones comfortably with them in #i’ve managed to wear one ring like. less than 5 times ever #and i can only wear bracelets if they’re small and on my left wrist. but i don’t even think i own a bracelet. i haven’t for years #i can wear a necklace but i can’t sleep or shower or anything with one on #and almost every time i try to wear a necklace with an outfit i think the length looks weird with the neckline of whatever top im wearing #i wanna be able to wear accessories but they’re so overstimulating. i want to look cute in my outfits but alas #the feeling of jewellery on my skin (excluding small earrings) makes me feel so immediately anxious #lilith.txt

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j-esbian · 10 months ago

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genuinely at the point where. i know it’s unfair. but i am angry to the point of distraction whenever i read anything, watch anything, play anything, look at anything, listen to anything. i have so many desires and not the faintest idea how to act on it. any skills i once had have degraded because i don’t have any time to do anything and i get jealous and resentful that there are people who can. or else what is wrong with me that i can’t create great art in my 1-2 hours of free time a day. why am i spending most of my life at work, i still can’t support myself, and there’s people who do less than me for more money, so they have time and energy to do things. the creative drought has gone on so long that the well has been filled in. i can’t even get off from work to refill my meds.

#i had to cancel my appointment in october so i knew it was coming and tried to taper but still #i ran out a few days ago which is probably. not helping this mindset #ppl who can go to therapy every week. who can go to the doctor. who can make art #who can exercise and make new friends and go out and have a side job #i envy you so much i want to throw up #and everyone always says the key to building a skill is practice. how are you supposed to practice when you have no ideas #THAT is the advice i’m looking for and no one seems to understand #even shit like critical analysis. everyone is so much more insightful than me #like i write poetry sometimes but i can FEEL how immature it is #and it feels like i’m just. skimming off the top of my thoughts #truly feels like something in my brain is broken and not in a brain fog way #in a blown fuse way #catch me crying in the bathroom at work for the third week in a row ✌️#and i feel like it just makes me a drag to be around. which exacerbates all of this #i just. don’t have anything going for me. this is all i can think about #and i know it’s frustrating for other people but i just #and there’s people out there who have kids and do more than me so like #what the fuck is my problem #i would just like a break. some time to myself where i don’t have to worry about being too loud and disturbing my mother #the room to stretch my legs

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